Its all about the emptiness of this life you see… my fears, pains, and (unashamed to say it)… my Complex. YES! “MY” Complex…
They say “a problem is half solved when you own up to the point of the matter”, so I always like to establish my flaws each time I swing into this mood (it helps!). However, I am yet to grasp what is required to fully solve the other half of MY “problem”.
The thought that everyone else is better than me or running their lives better than me has always been a major dismal… I often battle with this cross along the way of my adult life.
When I think of all the things I could have been, that I am not; what I wasted away (Talent wise) and the time I have lost! Its enough to make me want to take my own life, but I’m still here…. thankful to The “God-Head”, and yet in dark times (which we ALL have), I have often wondered, “Why?”…This burden of FEELING and PONDERING has brought on such mental and physical pain, I find myself battling them each day. I feel like Saul in the Bible who was tormented by a spirit until David came along and played some of that good music on a string. My David has always been my “Tears” and “Prayer” and the music, “my God”. I have hoped for more days when I don’t have to approach His mercy seat with such a burdensome heart but with one of Thanks giving, and yet He is AWESOMELY faithful to sooth my aching heart t all times.
Dear reader, you really don’t need to be reading this I know, and although this was written on a wet, cold and boring Sunday, these words are to encourage you. You are not alone in this world of doubt; Everyone has their issues. Some of us are just stronger than others in concealing them; Others, handling them and moving on, while some others are strong enough to speak out and not ashamed to let people see them for who they really are in their weakness.
P.S- In reading this blog kindly do not misunderstand my person… I am not a sad woman or one with an unfortunate childhood. No, I have leaved 29+ GOOD and naturally CHALLENGED years; experienced joy and depression; Love and Hate…. Have lied and been lied to; Won and Lost out (BIG TIME on both accounts)…. In totality, I have been there and done that, and am still looking forward to more of Life’s many experiences.
…And like every man or woman who has breath in their lungs I have had days when I shed uncontrollable tears and screamed out “WHY ME?!”, but in some common sense there is REASON to be thankful. Remember that we all exist for a ” PURPOSE”and so, until our purpose is realised the best we can do is to dust ourselves off in times of disappointment, and be expectant of the next “joie de vivre”.
I’m glad if you can relate to this… I can!
HAVE A BLESSED WEEK!