Caterpillar in a cocoon

In the past I bore too many faces, until I became no one,

A reader; A writer,

A poet; A preacher,

The critique; The counsellor,

Encourager and challenger.

I loved to write, I always had something to say! Be it in the form of poetry, rant, advice or ridicule. The clicking sound that resonated from my the key board when I was at it put me on a certain high and that feeling after finishing a post; surreal. It didn’t really matter how many likes I got … or did it?…

In hind sight I realise now how much I depended on what people though of what I had to say, and while was I got some pretty good comments and reviews on my posts plus followings, I always felt that I wasn’t good enough or better put, I felt I was only had talent for a season…

If you are anything like me then you can relate when I talk about that voice in the back of my mind. It can be a friend or foe; Could be a number 1 cheerleader or not. For me it was a NOT.

“They Like you now FK, but what happens when you run out of things to say”

That constant play in my head became louder and louder until I started to believe it… “Talent for a Season”, WOW! I blamed my declining posts on writer’s block, but never stopped to consider why or from where the block originated from. For me the element of inspiration was gone, my talent was gone, and so I shut that door and focused on life outside the Bloggerverse.

From my 9 to 5 job to focusing on motherhood to REALLY great gal to just lazying around in my head, I exhausted whatever time I would have used to be here. Make no mistake however. I never forgot what I left behind. In fact, it was in my lazy moments I would once in a while pop into this space, and the pain would overwhelm me. The Pain of not being able to express myself the way I once did would consume me, and instead of feeling proud of what I had accomplished here or who I had been, I would leave feeling less of myself.

… But here is where I got it wrong, the phrase “who I had been”. Why did I have to make that version of me a past tense?

Why is it so easy for us as human beings to give up on the best part of ourselves, especially when that part of us is being tested, whether it be by that voice in our heads or an actual situation? You write a post or a books and It gets amazing reviews and lots of hits; It make you feel good, and then subsequent material carries less pizazz. Feedback isn’t as great and so you think “the first success was a fluke, just a matter of chance”. My take? Well, If its a matter of Chance then keep at it till chance comes right around again!

KEEP AT IT! Don’t let go of who you are or of that talent because no matter how low it feels at the time, you are like a caterpillar going through its metamorphosis into a butterfly, and while in that stage of cocooning that could feel pretty stagnant, rather than focusing on who you are or where you are, take the time to look ahead at the possibilities before you resulting from that dwindling blessing for yours. With that in mind, you should find the spark needed to keep the fire burning and even brighter for that matter.

Remember that the caterpillar’s transitions into a butterfly, looking absolutely different from its former self. Lets bear that in mind on our own individual journeys… You will be surprised what your talent has in store for you and where life will take you with it.

That voice in your head saying you can’t do it, its not real! YOU are your greatest cheerleader and not that voice. That circumstance making you feel you are not up to the challenge, so not true! Its just there as part of a learning curve if you will agree with me. In the end the choice is yours; The choice is mine, how we see ourselves. In every situation you and I hold the power to see “self” at its best, no matter how unbecoming the circumstance.

… And so I end from where I began:

In the past I bore too many faces, until I became no one… Todayyyy, I am a Mom to a REALLY great gal, a 9 to 5iver, a blogger and writer in the making and finally, a Caterpillar in her Cocoon! 😉

Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come. – Robert H. Schuller #Patience

You’ve got to believe in your damn self and do the damn thing, so I’m a big believer in self-belief, man, and going out there and working hard and sacrificing. – Max Holloway #SelfBelief

Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing. – Theodore Roosevelt #SelfConfidence

the image of self

The words of a foreign body

She’s crying again, her vibrating sobs seem to echo through. There’s talk  about doctors and pills and how time seems to be running out. I can feel the build up of tension as it invades my space, voices raise as the conversation reaches its climax and then something slams shut. We are alone again, she, drowning in her tears and I, left to feeling every bit of her pain.

Its quiet, there’s little movement and shes breathing calmly now… She’s asleep I believe. This is the only time I get to exist without her negative air trying to choke the peace out of me… Its been like this for a few days now, up until then  she had been a much jollier person.  I have experienced her many emotions during the course of my existence but this feeling of hurt had never been so intense till she found out about me. Often times I wonder if I am the reason for her tears, shouldn’t I be here? ….Maybe if I keep still long enough she will forget that I’m here and things will return to normal, but I doubt that will work, it would only make me even more uncomfortable.

She wakes and I don’t feel that intense sadness anymore, it seems to have been replaced by this unexplainable calm while she slept.  I’m not sure I like this sensation… there’s this feeling of disconnect, almost as though she’s keeping her true feelings from me and I’m left all alone in this weightless wonderland. I hear her voice as she speaks to an unheard other, the word “doctor” comes up again and an appointment has just been set for tomorrow… If only I could go back to the first 3 moons of my existence when it was all about food and swimming, she felt happier and so did I… Now all I may ever know is her feeling of regret and my feeling of rejection…

“There is nothing in the whole world so painful as feeling that one is not liked. It always seems to me that people who hate me must be suffering from some kind of lunacy.” – Sei Shonagon